Instead it was just another plot twist the universe likes to throw in my quest for love to keep me on my toes. But I’m getting ahead of myself so let’s get back to the real reason why you’re here: my sex life.
I’ve a love-hate relationship with December. I adore Christmas, grateful for the adventures so far, and get excited by the hopeful optimism in the air for the upcoming year. It’s when I speed dial my tarot reader to get a sneak peek of things to come and clues to the eternal question “When will I find The One?”
Yet without fail, the end of the year also spells the blues for me. A different set of questions tend to weave into my thoughts during this season. Meet the infamous family of the “What-If’s”, “Should-Have’s” and “If-Only’s”.
This terrible trio aren’t just reserved for romantic relationships, they tend to congregate around my life in general. I’ll imagine myself sitting across perfect higher self Rin, from a seemingly probable yet not too distant future. The one with all her shit together, with her perfectly polished demeanor and cool confidence, eyeing me as she purrs: “So what did you do this year? Could you have done more?”
The actual Rin, feeling the anxiety bubble upwards from her chest to her head, takes a deep breath in this reality and glances at the report card in front of her: “Well…” she pauses, “at least the sex was interesting.”
“Really? Tell me more.”
That’s pretty much how I felt when you guys decided on Instagram that you’ll want a recap of my 2022 sex life as the latest essay. Writer’s block crept in as I silently panicked about how much sordid details you’ll like to know or where do I even begin.
How does one measure one’s sex life? Especially if it’s a single, straight woman in her late-30’s like myself? Would it look like a Spotify Wrapped of my greatest hits (or shall I say bangs in this case)? Or a literal blow-by-blow (pun intended) of each steamy encounter I’ve had thus far?
Then it hit me, we all have performance reviews at work on our achievements and where we have room to improve. So why not one for the sexy times as well? That led to another intriguing dilemma – to borrow every Singaporean’s favourite corporate jargon, “What’s the KPI (key performance indicator) of good sex?”
So I put on my Sexy Businesswoman Glasses™, furrowed my brows, and listed the obvious sex performance indicators:
- Quantity: how often I got laid
- Quality: how good the sensual sessions were
The quantity of sex was pretty straightforward to measure – did I get laid in 2022? Yes. Did it meet my expectations? Honestly I wished it could have been more but given that I wasn’t in any long-term relationship, it was a decent amount. And no dear readers, I’ll like to keep a little mystery about my bedroom visitors so you won’t get that statistic.
Ah but quality of sex? That’s a whole different ballgame.
(Editor’s note: I’m having so much fun with the dirty puns in this one…)
Here’s where the real challenge lies. As horny humans, it’s pretty easy for us to reach into our spank banks and recall the amazing steamy encounters we’ve had. We may not remember the literal details of these sexy sessions but I’m sure we’ve all had moments of sex flashbacks triggered by an innocuous touch, scent, or even a simple phrase. The murmur of ’Naughty girl’ seems to be the PIN for my spank bank….
But what’s behind these steamy memories that earned them a place in our favourite sensual sessions? For that, I pushed a little deeper beyond the expected question of “Did I have an orgasm?” Au contraire, orgasms weren’t a necessary indicator of whether these sessions end up in the spank bank. Instead, these are my KPIs of ranking my top Lust List (in no particular order).
- Mutual Pleasure & Satisfaction
I’ll be running through these points to determine just how great the sex was (or wasn’t) in 2022. Before we dive in, some of the personas and encounters have been fictionalized to ensure privacy for all involved. They’re based on my dating life and experiences for the year. Plus I’m always upfront with those I date on what I do for a living so there’s no cat-fishing on my end although whether they read my writing is a different story 😉
So now that we’re all caught up to speed, let’s start with the first KPI: Attraction
It seems pretty apt now to head back to the beginning with beautiful Mr Ritz Carlton – a.k.a the first test on my sex(y) report card.
I have, to the detriment of my close friends and family, a type. That said type tends to be a bad boy who avoids talking about feelings and have a mother wound that I’m drawn to swoop in to fix and kiss it better. Bonus points for a sexy accent that makes “I want you” the cheat code for my clothes falling off without warning.
Ah, but Mr Ritz? He blew my type out of the water.
Avoids talking about feelings? Check.
Mother wound from childhood? Check.
Sexy accent? Smooth as velvet, check.
Bad boy? Total opposite.
A very nice sweet strait-laced man who always asked first “What would you like?’
I wasn’t prepared for that. As a recovering anxiously-attached co-dependent, my form of control in a relationship (sex or otherwise) is taking care of my partner first. I’m drawn to the dominant guys, the ones who pull my hair and growl in my ear when I’m locked in their embrace from behind. So as we sat across each other on the fancy couch and he nervously asked if he could kiss me, it caught me off guard.
Sure, I thought he was super hot beforehand but this is strange. And new. Yet sweet.
And I think I kinda like it.
Ironically, it ended up being a one night stand which we ended amicably. For the rest of the year, I still went out with my usual bad boys but I started giving the nice guys a chance. In a relatively new move for me, it was the nice guys who I ended up lusting over and wanting to spend more time with. The men I went out with this year had their shit together, were emotionally available, and took care of me in their own ways. One of them remembers how much I love chocolate and brings a selection whenever we meet just so I get to pick what I want. Another listens intently with dark broody eyes and remembers our conversations, even the sleepy ones in the afterglow haze, and references them when we chat in totally platonic daytime scenarios.
Would they have caught my eye in the streets a few years ago? Honestly no, and I would have thought they wouldn’t be attracted to me either. While the initial attraction wasn’t as strong because I’m so used to the bad boys, my big lesson for the year was that nice didn’t equate to boring, especially in the bedroom. I’m still drawn to those with an infinity for witty dirty talk but my new type actually made those scenarios a reality. I can’t tell if it’s because they’re all upfront and down-to-earth guys in real life, but they don’t talk up a big game and end up not living up to it. I met some of those bad boys earlier in the year who, let’s just say overpromised and underdelivered and I’m sure you know exactly what I mean.
So how do I rate Attractiveness as part of Quality in 2022?
Definitely new, fascinating and an upwards trend! Now, like Pavlov’s dog – my face lights up just as brightly as my phone screen does when I see a text come in from my nice guys. Trust me, a smile isn’t the only thing stirring up on my body when I answer it….
So dear reader, here’s where we take a pause on this state of the union for Rin’s Sex Life 2022. In part 2, we’ll take a look at:
- Mutual Pleasure & Satisfaction
We’ll also be answering a really fascinating question thrown in by one of you: Has sex and my attitude/experiences change pre and post-pandemic?
Till then, Happy New Year friends and lovers!