Image credit: The Pin-Up Rebels
“Please… please…please…” I bit my lips and whimpered. The only other sounds filling the room were the hum of the clit-sucker in between my legs and his rapid breathing through his low husky moans. My other hand dropped to my side and fumbled around, trying to find him while he was crouched over me, my nipples savoring the hunger of his mouth.
I found his thigh first, then slowly trailed upwards until my fingers met his hand. I sensed him pause, unsure of what I wanted. Still blindfolded, I tugged his hand gently towards me, my fingers intertwined with his until they reached their destination. My turn to greedily suck on his fingers until the message dawned on him. The bed sunk to one side as he pulled his fingers away and adjusted himself to face me. Without hesitation, I suddenly felt his smooth warm head push past my lips and into my mouth, salty and glistening. Even though I couldn’t see his expression, I smiled as I thought, “Mmm…yes, naughty boy…”
Enough sordid details for you? That’s one of my favourite deposits ba-dum-tish from the Spank Bank, especially withdrawn for those who enjoyed Part 1 of my Sex Life 2022 recap but requested for a little more juicy details…. you’re welcome 🙂
So now that I have your attention, let’s retrace our steps in Part 1. We were looking back on 2022’s state of the union where I’d outlined my main KPIs for amazing mind-and-back-blowing sex:
- Attraction
- Mutual Pleasure & Satisfaction
- Intimacy
- Novelty
- Safety
With a waning interest in fuckbois alongside my growing intrigue with sweet and kind men who were still just as likely to hoist me up and toss me onto the sheets in lust, Attraction as an indicator was definitely on an upwards trend. Now where does that leave the rest of my KPIs?
MUTUAL PLEASURE & SATISFACTION
This is a big one.
(That’s what she said…)
It may seem like a no-brainer, and I can almost hear you say, “But Rin, isn’t that the point of sex? Getting an orgasm and feeling good? Why even bother listing it down?” Well because there’s a couple of fallacies that even I had fallen for in the previous years. The (not so) obvious one: You don’t need to have an orgasm to have great sex.
Even as I type that down, a tiny voice at the back of my head is going “Oh please, but remember all those times where you’re clutching onto his shoulders for dear life as you’re shivering and gasping in pleasure from a climax?”
Of course, I’ll never say no to receiving an orgasm but let’s take a look at the argument from another angle: am I able to climax on my own without needing a human being? Yes sir, and indeed I do.
Are they especially meaningful? I’ll be lying if I said I’d remembered the circumstances behind those climaxes. Was I feeling lusty? Was I missing someone? Did I have period cramps and just needed a relief? I have no idea apart from reaching out for my pleasure toys du jour (or de nuit) in the heat of the moment.
Now let’s switch back to being in the arms of another human being.
Do I recall being bent over in his shower, pushing against each thrust, and hearing our moans reverberate in unison as they echo in the tiled bathroom? Abso-fucking-lutely.
Did I come? No, I know my body too well. I was too swollen and stimulated which meant that while I was still clearly enjoying each touch, I’d hit a plateau. I won’t be able to dive over the edge.
Did it make the experience any less thrilling and sexy? That’s a resounding hell no… The aforementioned steamy shower rendezvous is fondly filed away as one of my Top Ten memories in my Bank of Spank.
“Eh, I still don’t get it”, you ask. “If it was that great, wouldn’t it have been incredibly frustrating that you didn’t finish?”
And that’s the second fallacy about sex: that the ‘right’ way to have sex is an accumulation of teasing touches until it results in penetration with penis-in-vagina, and ends with an orgasm. Interestingly, even the orgasm is nuanced, it is often depicted in media as when the man climaxes and ejaculates, then it’s “finished”.
So why is this such a dated fallacy? Apart from not being an inclusive point of view, it discounts the aspect of sex as an act of bonding between two people who desire each other. Anything that falls outside of this script is seen as ’incomplete’ or falling short.
What did I love in particular about that encounter? That it was a kaleidoscope of sensations, emotions and being just in the moment. That with each thrust, I felt myself squeezing and pulsing around his member. Feeling the literal heat between our skin as we pressed, pushed, squeezed, groped and jiggled against each other. The twinkle in his eyes and wide grin across my face as a sign of the enthusiasm between the both of us. Knowing my body well enough to still receive pleasure, but know when to gracefully tap out and continue to give my partner theirs is part of the journey.
Great sex isn’t scripted – it’s messy, clumsy, vulnerable, joyful and ultimately freeing.
How would I rate 2022’s Mutual Pleasure & Satisfaction on a scale of 1-5? Taking into account some not so great encounters earlier in the year but following up with a strong finish (ahem), it’ll be on the upwards too at a 4/5.
INTIMACY
I have a theory that no one willingly ventures out to have a One Night Stand. That is – until they wake up the next morning and decide right there and then if they want to see this particular bedmate again once the fog of lust lifts. So as much as I enjoy the carnal aspect, I’m not a fan because there’s a part of me that feels personally rejected despite knowing how illogical it sounds in the grand scheme of things. After spending a revealing night stripped down in more ways than one, it feels like I’ve been hit with a case of “Wham bam, thank you mam, but oh really no, no thank you. We’re done here now.”
So which team do you find me on the sidelines cheering for in home colours? Why, Team Friends With Benefits of course, with the hard (pun intended) emphasis on ‘Friends’. If I can’t have a great conversation over coffee with them with our clothes on, it probably won’t translate to fun in the bedroom with our clothes off. Good banter is my foreplay, and bonus points for being perceptive and remembering I like a hot grande latte with oat milk the next morning….
However intimacy in casual sex can be a double-edged sword, akin to how fencers spar if you may. It’s like a beautiful dance when observed from afar – two lovers playfully bantering and getting to know each other’s strengths and vulnerabilities. They share a common interest together as they explore the pleasure of skin-on-skin and what turns the other on. Yet, get too close and the foils are immediately raised to closely guard the heart. “What’s the meaning behind that question?”, “Did I share too much about my personal life?”, “Should I ask him out on a real date?”, “Is it just me or….”
One mis-timed move, like a distant tone to their texts, can also spiral into replaying narratives from the past. You’re no longer in the moment of this situationship but instead you’ve travelled back in time, and reliving the hurt and confusion you felt when a previous lover took longer and longer to reply your enthusiastic texts until one day, they just stopped. So you can’t help but wonder, “Was it something I did? Is it happening again?” En-garde, heart.
So what did I learn in 2022 on how to incorporate intimacy in spite of the ‘casual’ness of my relationships? My big takeaway – to be a good fencer (and lover) , you have to trust yourself on when to put the foil down.
Wait, what?
Oui, to be a better lover, I’ve learned when and how to leave my heart unguarded. Because I know it’s stronger and more importantly, wiser by now to defend itself when it is time.
With each new potential partner I met in 2022, I’ve laid my cards down at the start about what I’m looking for and what I’m not. I’ve challenged myself to speak up and let them know when a boundary has been crossed, even when it would have been easier to let it slide under the rug. Even as a little voice try to hastily shush me, “Why even bother to bring it up? He doesn’t owe you anything!” Instead my fingers found myself texting them the truth of how I felt in the moment, whether disappointment at a last-minute cancelled date or gratitude for having their company for drinks on a rough day.
Why the change in approach? Doesn’t it sound like the expectations of a girlfriend and not a fuck buddy to assume I’m a presence in his life that he cares about?
Ultimately it boils down to this. When I let my guard down and reveal my vulnerability, there’s only two potential outcomes. Either I get dismissed and called out for these ‘unrealistic expectations’, or they get acknowledged by the other party and we have a discussion about where we’re at emotionally and what do we want to do next. Either way, no one really loses in this match. Like I’ve pointed out in previous essays, access to you is a privilege so you get to decide whether they’ve earned that right or it’s time to withdraw. So in 2022, I’ve learned that either I had fun with someone but it’s no longer right for me. Or by laying my cards out, we respect and appreciate each other’s presence so we stay a little longer at the table. Overall, a win-win. Allez
Intimacy: Definitely a 5/5
NOVELTY
A couple of months ago, while reviewing a deck of a Letz Get Naughty cards which were aimed at breaking the ice between couples and friends about sexy topics, I pulled out a card that left me stumped with my date. And as you know by now, I’m never speechless but this question threw me off: “What is my sexual fear?”
Cue suspenseful dramatic music.
I looked into his eyes, took a deep breath and confessed the first thought that popped into my head: “I’m scared that people think I’m this super seductress when the reality is I’m actually a really boring homebody and they’ll find out sooner rather than later.”
I know right? Boohoo, poor me… I’m too sexy. #firstworldproblem
But it’s true.
The origin of this fear is another story for another day but as relationship expert psychotherapist Esther Perel sums it up poetically:
“Love enjoys knowing everything about you; desire needs mystery. Love likes to shrink the distance that exists between me and you, while desire is energized by it. If intimacy grows through repetition and familiarity, eroticism is numbed by repetition.”
Sex itself may be a physical act but desire and foreplay starts mentally. It involves creativity and fantasy to keep it intriguing, which obviously takes effort yet ironically the more ‘natural’ and ‘effortless’ you are, the sexier you seem. Anything else is seen as “trying too hard” and deemed a turn-off. Why do we give ourselves grief over not mastering the mechanics of a sexual position when in everyday life, we know that our first time attempting any task will come with a margin of trial and error?
Humans are funny creatures.
What was new for me in 2022? This year’s theme was all about going back to the basics. It wasn’t about replicating the karma sutra or roleplaying in fancy lingerie during each playtime. Instead, it was good old fashion skin-on-skin exploration armed with simple bedroom accessories that focused on the senses.
That meant massages for us to get to know the peaks and valleys of our bodies and especially the spots where a light touch translates into a delicious shudder. We drizzled different flavoured lubricants all over ourselves and laughed over which ones tasted like crap and savoured those so close to the real deal that it became a Pavlovian response whenever I smelled chocolate nearby… (Hint: System Jo’s Gelato flavours lube series)
And as hinted in the opening steamy snippet of this essay, it meant something as simple as being blindfolded and letting him have his way with me. Strangely enough, it was the first time I was ever blindfolded in bed. So why did it take me this long? Two reasons: I can be quite the snob at times and used to think that being blindfolded was such a beginner’s cliche. And the second? I felt absolutely safe around Mr Naughty Boy to try something new when he wanted to bring it into the bedroom.
Which makes a great segue to the last KPI: Safety.
Novelty: A 4/5 because I’m a greedy girl and there’s always endless possibilities to try!
SAFETY
Did I save the un-sexiest aspect for last? Maybe… but that’s also because I confess, I didn’t play it safe for the first half of the year. Sure, we’d always used protection and followed the safety rules of casual sex. But I didn’t play it safe emotionally. I met up with strangers over the internet and drawn by lust, I’d ignored little tiny red flags during our conversations in the lead-up to our dates.
Cocky? Maybe he’s just a confident guy…
Boastful about his conquests? Alright, I’m no wallflower myself…
Shows up at the door in clearly last night’s pyjamas and kinda stinky? Well I just left the office and I prob smell of sweat too.
You get the drift.
All those times the red flag parade strolled by my window, I squinted and pretended not to see what’s in plain sight because “it’s just sex. It’s not like he’s Mr Right.”
If life’s a game show, this is where a loud buzzer will sound and I get booted off the show with a consolation prize. It was definitely important not to ignore that gut feeling and especially so because it is sex.
Because the sex was terrible when I met them. They were selfish, going through the motions like a jackhammer, and treated me like just another, pardon my French, pussy. I just wanted to get out of there and yet I still thought, “Mmm maybe it’s because it was our first time?”. Nice Rin was trying to justify and make excuses for their behaviour when the reality was I didn’t feel safe as my boundaries were crossed. These were the experiences my Spank Bank immediately rejected.
But don’t feel sorry for me, for how else can we learn to be better if we don’t give it a try and mess it up at first? (Also see above point about Novelty and first-times)
More importantly, how else would we recognize and appreciate the ones who do respect our boundaries, put our safety first and ensure that our pleasure is just as prioritized as theirs?
Now I’m not saying that you should toss aside your gut feelings aside with the reason that it’s your first time. Instead, that just shows overall how crucial Safety is when it comes to breaking or making amazing sex.
And as you can guess by now, I had a much better second half to 2022 because I met new partners who proved that nice guys don’t finish last (unless it’s in bed because they make sure you finish first…Nudge, nudge, wink, wink.)
Safety: 3.5/5 only because it took me a little longer than I would have liked to notice the red flag parade right outside my window.
2022 STATE OF THE UNION
To wrap up (pun intended) this long (another one) and hard (I can’t help myself) look at my sex life in 2022, I’ll answer a really fascinating question thrown in by a reader on Instagram: Has sex and my attitude/experiences change pre and post-pandemic?
It took me a while to muse over the question since 2022 would be the year whereby we all started to feel lifted from the confines of COVID-19. On one hand, it made me sad to think of the relationships that didn’t work out because of the restrictions and distance. Yet on the other, it really drove home the point that: life is so short.
As much as I love my tarot reader, even she’ll acknowledge that no one is ever certain of what the next 24 hours can bring. That in itself is both terrifying and oddly freeing. How did that translate to my sex and love life?
It meant that I stopped seeing people and scenarios in black and white, just shades of grey. That I was always unlearning old scripts and making up new ones as I go along. It was about saying good bye to those who no longer serve or resonate with my values. It meant saying hello and allowing myself to let go and receive pleasure from those who align with this new Me.
And the big moral of the story? When it comes to dating and sex, we can’t help but think of it as steps to an end-goal, i.e. finding the love of my life and having my happily-ever-after. We get discouraged when it diverts from this path. Yet when I look back at the guys and lessons I’ve had the fortune to encounter since the pandemic, my heart (and sex skills) wouldn’t have grown and improved without them.
So maybe, just maybe – it isn’t about a quest-like journey for love but it’s a meandering walk through the landscape and seeing what fun adventures and stories we get to share with equally fun and adventurous Plus-Ones along for the ride…
(Editor’s Note: That last metaphor’s for you, Mr N.B )
